


The things we miss

by mackerel_pizza



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Light Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-26
Updated: 2019-08-26
Packaged: 2020-09-27 08:02:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,022
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20404384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mackerel_pizza/pseuds/mackerel_pizza
Summary: Yut-Lung has been too caught up in the past to see what's right in front of him.





	The things we miss

**Author's Note:**

> This story is set after the events of Banana Fish, but before the Garden of Light.
> 
> All relationships are pretty vague in this, so you can read whatever you want into them.

The moment Sing stepped inside Yut-Lung’s room he knew something was amiss. The guards had let him in easily, but he could sense an uncomfortable air around them. In the recent years things had finally started to become more stable with Yut-Lung, so this felt like a bad sign. Sing lingered only for a moment in the doorway with bags of food in his hands before going in further and calling out to him.

”You in here, Yut-Lung? I brought you the bao Nadia always makes, the ones you really like. I know you don’t really like that white people crap your chef always – ”

Sing’s words were cut off as his eyes finally found Yut-Lung standing beside his expensive coffee table, his back towards Sing. Besides him on the table was a seemingly emtpy bottle of champagne lying on its side, and another standing beside it, opened. There was a champagne glass – or whatever was left of it – shattered on the floor, and Yut-Lung was holding another one in his hand.

”Dude, you promised you wouldn’t touch that stuff anymore. You know it’s not good for you," Sing cursed, instantly regretting having been too soft when Yut-Lung had begged him to save just a few vintage bottles ”for guests," back when they had gotten rid of all the alcohol in his house a few years ago. 

Yut-Lung had always enjoyed drinking a little too much, but things had really gotten out of hand in the years that followed Ash’s death. It had scared Sing shitless. He had long since outgrown Yut-Lung in size, but having to see Yut-Lung like this made him feel he was a powerless 14-year-old again.

Yut-Lung didn’t say anything. He wouldn’t even turn to look at Sing, who eventually dropped his bags on the floor with a frustrated sigh and started approaching Yut-Lung. Even if he was feeling helpless, he was still used to dealing with Yut-Lung’s drunken moods.

As Sing got closer, he saw Yut-Lung tense up and hide something in the pocket of the dark purple night robe he was wearing. Pretending he hadn’t seen, Sing finally made it to Yut-Lung’s side.

Yut-Lung still wouldn’t look at him as Sing extended his hand and gently pried the half empty glass of champagne from Yut-Lung’s hand, setting it on the table. Following his hand with his eyes, he saw a small photo album that was lying open on the table.

Sing turned to face Yut-Lung, and with the confidence of his pick-pocketing days, went straight for Yut-Lung’s pocket and fished out the missing photo before Yut-Lung managed to cry out in protest. Yut-Lung tried to snatch the picture back but Sing was faster than him.

Sing didn’t know what he’d been expecting, but when he finally got a good look of the photo, he had to hold back a gasp of surprise. It was a photo from years ago, taken on the day he and his boys had helped Ash escape Dino’s banquet with Eiji. He could tell because it had been taken inside that same building, and Yut-Lung, one of the two figures in the photo, was wearing a white outfit with flowers and sporting the complicated braided hairdo he had worn that day. 

Right next to Yut-Lung stood another familiar figure whose presence would have helped pin down the date even if nothing else could. In a black suit, tall, large, and making a surprisingly gentle expression – it was Blanca.

”Give that back!” Yut-Lung snapped and finally managed to grab the picture back from Sing’s hands.

”Is that why you were...” Sing started to ask. Looking properly at Yut-Lung’s face for the first time that night, seeing his flushed face and eyes that looked slightly red around the corners, Sing felt his own frustration subdue a little.

”Is that why you were drinking?” he asked in a softer voice than before.

”It’s okay to feel a little sad. I kinda miss him too, you know," Sing continued. ”Haven’t seen him since the funeral.”

Sing saw Yut-Lung’s expression turn darker and wanted to kick himself for bringing that last bit up. Ash’s funeral, which Yut-Lung hadn’t attended for obvious reasons, was still a touchy subject. While Sing loved to drag Yut-Lung every chance he got, he had no desire to hurt him unnecessarily – the world had done its best to do that ever since Yut-Lung had been born.

Instead of lashing out like he usually did while drunk, Yut-Lung fell silent, like he’d been the whole evening, and turned his face away from Sing. They stood like that for a while.

Suddenly, in a quiet voice that sounded almost like a gasp or a sob, Yut-Lung asked,

”Do you think he ever really cared?”

Sing saw Yut-Lung was holding up the photo again, and had a hard time coming up with an answer. He hadn’t seen Yut-Lung like this in years, and couldn’t figure out why he was reacting like this now.  
What he did know, however, was how to deal with a drunk Yut-Lung, so he reached his arm out to him, ready to guide him to bed.

”Alright, I think it’s best to call it a night," he said, trying to sound as empathetic as he could. Yut-Lung didn’t seem to react, and just as Sing was starting to get impatient, he heard Yut-Lung’s voice.

”He just left...” Yut-Lung said in the tiniest voice possible.

”You know he had his reasons," Sing said softly, trying not to argue but not wishing to egg Yut-Lung’s moodiness on. Yut-Lung didn’t seem like he was listening.

”In the end, he just left, like everyone always does. But I guess it’s what I deserve after all the things I did... after all the pain I caused," he continued with more conviction and even more self-pity.

”Haven’t we talked about this before?” Sing started and could hear the frustration in his own voice. 

”You know it’s not good for you to dwell up on the stuff that happened back then. It’s been years! You were just a kid... damn, we were all just dumb kids back then. You’ve got to move on.”

”What business do you have telling me to move on?” Yut-Lung snapped, stepping away from Sing. 

”Not when you’re still skirting around Okumura... being too much of a coward to even tell him the truth of how Ash died.”

Sing could feel his face burn, the same way he always felt the weight of Eiji’s letter that he still carried around him wherever he went, the guilt eating him up day and night.

”I know! I know I’m just as stuck as you are, okay? I’m not trying to judge you, I’m trying to _help_.” Sing finally raised his voice but more in frustration than anger.

”But that’s why I also know that we’ve got to keep going. You can’t have a future if you’re still living in the past. The future is all we’ve got.”

”Easy for you to say," Yut-Lung scoffed. ”Living with Okumura and having bright prospects for your life. I don’t have anything. I don’t have any_one_...” As Yut-Lung’s turned his gaze away, Sing felt something snap inside his head. He stepped forward, taking Yut-Lung by the shoulders.

”I’m here, now! I’ve been here for you for years. Why can’t you see that?” Sing yelled.  
”You just keep going on about the people who left you, but what about the people who are still here?”

Yut-Lung looked shocked, like Sing had just slapped him in the face. As Yut-Lung looked up and back into into Sing’s eyes, Sing saw something in his expression change. Like he was looking at Sing for the first time that night... or for the first time in a long, long time.

”I– I...” Yut-Lung started, raising a hand to his forehead and running it through his hair at a loss for words.

”I’m not going anywhere, you know," Sing said, a lot calmer now. He could hear Yut-Lung make a sound that was almost like swallowing back tears. Sing could have sworn he saw something glistening in Yut-Lung’s eyes.

”Come on, it’s getting late," Sing put his hand around Yut-Lung’s shoulder. ”Let’s get you cleaned up and ready to sleep.”

This time Yut-Lung didn’t resist, as Sing gently guided him to the bathroom. Yut-Lung remained quiet while Sing helped him wash his face and comb his hair, but it was a comfortable silence. Yut-Lung had never wanted to rely on other people, so letting Sing help him without trying to put up a fight or talking back, like he usually did when he was drunk, made Sing feel like at least some of his words had gotten through.

When Yut-Lung finally climbed in bed, Sing let out a small sigh in relief. He was ready to call it a night, but before he could say his parting words, he heard Yut-Lung’s voice.

”Stay.” It wasn’t a command or a even a plea. It sounded more like a sincere wish, the most sincere Sing had heard Yut-Lung be for a long time. Still, this wasn’t the first time Yut-Lung had trouble sleeping alone, so Sing nodded.

”I’ll sleep on the couch as usual, just call me if you– ” He was cut off when Yut-Lung sat up and patted the space on the mattress beside him.

”No, I want you to stay beside me.” Looking into Yut-Lung’s eyes, Sing saw a hint of defiance, as if Yut-Lung was testing his words from earlier. He also saw that fear of rejection that Yut-Lung always tried to hide so well but that was present in everything he did.

”Alright.” Sing smiled softly.

”I’ll just call your maid to take the bao to the kitchen so we can have them in the morning.”

***

A few moments later Sing got into the huge canopy bed, lying on top of the comforter and trying to get used to the feeling of silk pillow covers and satin sheets. 

Yut-Lung was lying on his side facing away from Sing. Just as Sing was certain he’d already fallen asleep, Yut-Lung spoke up.

”Does Nadia know who you’re bringing her food for? Would she really be okay with that, after what I did to... to Shorter. She must hate me.”

Sing had heard Yut-Lung say Shorter’s name out loud only a handful of times before, and there was a deep grief in his voice. Grief, and regret. Sing knew he wouldn’t be able to rid Yut-Lung of his regrets any more than he could get rid of his own, but he wanted to ease his pain.

”Look, nobody hates you. Not Nadia, not Eiji, not me. We’re all just worried about you. Like I said, we were all just kids back then and the stuff with Golzine really messed up with our heads. You didn’t kill Shorter.”

Sing noticed Yut-Lung turn towards him and opening his mouth in protest, but before he could start, Sing continued.

”And whatever role you had in the events that lead to his death, you have been long since forgiven for. I wish you’d be able to forgive yourself, too.” 

He smiled sadly, reaching his hand towards Yut-Lung but not quite touching, in case he needed space.

Yut-Lung didn’t budge away. Instead, he reached out his hand towards Sing. Grabbing the front of Sing’s shirt, Yut-Lung buried his face in Sing’s chest. 

Sing could feel his shirt getting wet as he listened to the silent sobs echoing from somewhere deep inside Yut-Lung.

Through the sobs Sing could make out the words _I’m sorry... I’m so sorry_. Without thinking much, he gently started stroking Yut-Lung’s hair, trying to comfort him in a way his words couldn’t.

Eventually Yut-Lung stopped crying and seemed to calm down a little. Still, Sing didn’t let go of him, continuing to slowly pet his hair as they both fell asleep.

Drifting in and out of consciousness in the darkness of the night, Sing could still feel Yut-Lung in his arms. He didn’t know what any of it meant, not yet, but he had a feeling that they’d be alright.

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time posting a fic online, I just love Yut-Lung and want to see more stories about him.


End file.
